Laughing With Aspergers

Social Skills: Small Talk

Small talk can seem meaningless. Like the smallest of the talks.

And sometimes you just don't care about the small thing the other person is talking about. 

But you have to think about small talk as a warm up to a conversation. Like the beginning that gets you to the middle where you get to talk about more interesting things.

If you do not warm up with small talk, then you can overwhelm someone with your topic and enthusiasm. 

You don't want to startle people by just blurting out a topic. 

So, when you are just meeting someone or don't know them very well, you start with small talk to warm up the conversation. Usually a basic question you can ask anyone. 

Where are you from?  What are you doing this weekend? 

 

Then you learn a little about their weekend and then about them. 

And then you move into talk about interests or things or ideas that you might have in common. Then the conversation is warmed up and to the more interesting part. Hopefully. 

 

In all honestly, I don't do this well. I wasn't even sure about the sequence of these events as we wrote the blog. But I do kinda my own version of this with people I know. I usually have a topic I already want to talk about. But instead of launching into that topic, I ask a question that is related to the topic. Like if I want to talk about characters from a movie, I might ask someone's opinion about certain types of movies or characters. Then I listen. Then we eventually get to talk about my topic. On the way to my topic, the other person may some some interesting things. 

But then again, I don't meet a whole lot of new people. So I guess I'll have to use smaller talk for that.

New Year's Resolutions

I draw every day. I need to draw more. And actually show my drawings to people. Most of them I draw and then throw away later. 

I like my alone time. But I like to be around people. Not all people or all the time or lots of them. But I want to do more things out in the world with people. Just because I like to be alone some does not mean I always want to be alone. 

I know this is not polite. I want to do better at not saying things that will hurt people's feelings. 

Do you have any resolutions? Anything you want to get better at doing? Or not doing?

The best adventures are the ones where you don't die: The Hobbit and Asperger's

Our family is re-watching The Hobbit movies this week before we go and see the third Hobbit movie on Thursday. We all like the part where he yells, "I'm going on an adventure!" When I hear the word "Adventure" I mostly think of positive things. 

The best adventures are the ones where you don't actually get killed. Not getting killed is a preferable adventure.

Travel is an adventure. Like a good one to Europe. Mostly to England. All the cool stuff is in England or Japan. 

Japan has such interesting mythologies, history and is the birthplace of anime and cool computer games.

Traveling around the United States with my friends to see various monuments and stuff - assuming we dont' have to wait hours just to see it - would be a cool adventure.  Mt. Rushmore would be pretty cool to look at or that famous water fall thing.  (Niagara Falls). 

Playing a really good RPG (Role Playing Game) would be nice. It would be the most do-able adventure right now.  A final fantasy game would be fun. I mean, adventure at home is nice.

There are some less good adventures - like going on a long and kinda miserable trip anywhere with lots of line waiting and lots of fights, little sleep, lack of interesting things to see.

I've been on a bad adventure. It was that month long trip we took last year. But the cheeseburgers we had on the ship were good. So it wasn't all bad. 

I think of adventures as traveling to places. I don't like traveling often. 

Not like lots of trips in a row.

If I could pick any place to travel to next I'd like to visit my grandparents.

Another country, if I had to choose a far away place, I'd choose the aforementioned England or Japan. I'd probalby want to stay in England longer than Japan because it is more closely related to American culture and most people there speak English and I think I can adjust to it more easily than other places. 

My parents said we might go to England when Alex (my brother) and I graduate from High School. That sounds like a good adventure. Assuming we don't die. 

Asperger's things that get easier: Caring about what other people care about

 Mom: David, I have noticed you seem to care more about about other people's opinions and ideas more than you used to.

David: Yeah. I noticed that too.

Mom: Like when you came into the kitchen and said, "I've been meaning to ask you if you were more into Star Wars or Star Trek?"

David: Yeah. 

Mom: And then when you went and painted ornaments this year for Grandma and Nana, you really considered each ornament and worked really hard at doing a good job on each one because they were gifts instead of rushing through it just to be done. 

Have you noticed this? 

David: I have. I think some of my interest in other people's ideas comes from getting really into reading reviews about movies and TV shows and books. I like hearing other people's opinions on the topics I am researching.  I think that makes me want to ask people what they think more than it used to. 

Mom: And the ornaments?

David: I wanted to give them something nice.

Mom: So do you think part of caring more is just getting older? 

David: Probably so.

Social Skills: Take manners to the next level when talking to guests

This is based on a true story.

 

I was in my room and heard whistling. Whistling is very very annoying to me. 

It continued and I got pretty annoyed even though I was in my room with the door closed.

It kept going on and on. And I got more and more annoyed. 

(Mom - I would call it stressed.)

So I walked to downstairs to my parent's friend and said...

And then I walked away because the whistling stopped.

Now, my parent's friend found my response humorous. I guess because I was pretty direct and they know about my sound "issues." He wasn't offended. 

But my mom said this was a good example of how to talk to family members vs. guests. Family members get direct conversation with politeness if you can make it happen. Guests, apparently, get extra politeness even if you are severely annoyed. 

I mean, I thought I was doing everything right because I could have done a lot of worse things, like yelling, to get the person to stop whistling. 

So here are some better responses:

O.k, it was really singing. I was trying to pretend it was whistling but it was singing which is kinda worse. Even though the guy was a good singer and all. 

#1  I could have left out the criticism of his whistling/singing by not calling it annoying. 

(Mom: And maybe leave out the fact it was bothering you. You can always politely ask someone to stop doing something and you do not have to give a reason.)

#2 I could have tried to override the sound by putting on my headphones and listening to music or a podcast or a movie or something. In my room. With the door closed. 

#3 I could have just tried to wait it out in my room by smothering my ears with pillows. But I kinda needed it to end right away. So this is a last resort sort of thing.

(Mom: As I tried to explain to David that he could have assumed that the whistling/singing would be of short duration, I realized that if someone were creating a really stress filled, annoying noise for me -like fingernails on a chalk board -  I would not care about the duration. I would just want it to stop right away. So the fact that he tried his best to ask someone to stop was great. Even if it was at Bible study...when he was talking to our minister...who used to be in a "whistling" group....)

OKAY...it was singing. Not whistling. But still, please stop. Everybody.

A Conversation and a Butterfly

This weekend I went for a walk with Sadie in the woods behind my house to take some pictures. I didn't find a lot of stuff, because most everything is dead now. The only thing I took a picture of was this bug.

Along the way, we came across a lady who was marking trails or something. She said 'Hey' and I said 'Hey' and she wanted to pet Sadie. And then she said some more stuff and I said some stuff, and it was actually an OK conversation. And I only got a little bit sweaty. (I break out in cold sweats when I talk to strangers)

There was a butterfly fluttering around right behind her, and I had to resist going after it the whole time we were talking.

But I resisted it, because I am a mature adult. 

 

Conversation Starters

My friend Tom at Target.

Starting a conversation seems easy. But I think sometimes I jump into conversation I want to have kinda quickly. 

I sat down to talk to my Grandma and asked, "So Grandma, what was your take on the 80's?" She said that was a "broad" topic. I really wanted to know about movies from the 80's. 

Tonight, I asked my family when I got into the car, "What recent twists have you seen or read in fictional media lately involving surprise villains?"

I wanted to talk about a Transformer's story line with surprise villains but I asked what other people thought about the topic first. We all talked about it for a while.

I used to just walk up to people and talk about whatever interested me. But now I try to ask a question that is related to what I am interested in. 

Do you have any conversation starters?

Why I like hanging out with animals more than people

1.    They don't care what you're wearing.

2.    Their social cues are easier to read. I can read the social cues of my fish.

3.    They are completely incapable of being judgmental.

4.    You don't have to start a conversation with them.

5.    They're more pleasant to look at than people.

 

 

Aspergers and Experiencing Change

This is my brother Max. He has Asperger's Syndrome, too. He does not handle change well. 

This is what happened when he found out we were getting a new light fixture in the kitchen. 

Max: Wait, we are getting a new "chandelier" in the kitchen. ("Marks" are mine.)

Max starting to kinda freak out: I don't know how I feel about this?!

Mom: I didn't know you would have any feelings about the light in the kitchen. We need a new one that is in the correct spot.

Max continuing to be upset about a LIGHT: I mean, the light was a part of this house before we even moved in. It has been a part of the house for years.

Max sees the new light. 

 

 

Max: Oh. 

 

Mom asked us tonight if we thought we dealt well with change. Max said no. I said it depended on specific reasons about the specific change.

Max: You always say it depends on specific reasons.

David: Because there are always reasons that are specific to each particular situation that I need to know.

Max: And each of those particular situations create a new alternate reality. 

And on this point, we agreed.

Therapy Fail: Hula Hoops

 

 

I've been to a lot of therapies over the years. I don't know which ones have worked. You have to ask my mom about that. But a few did not work. Take the Hula Hoop = Personal Space therapy.

It isn't practical for real life. I mean, I don't carry around a hula hoop. And if I did, it would make me really stand out more. And really hard to get through doors.

 

And the hula hoop seems to be too movable when people get too close to me. I mean, shouldn't she be farther away? Like at least 2 half a hoops away? If you want to see hoops used unconventionally, give them to a bunch of kids who do not understand personal space. Or think of things in a regular kind of way.

And then there is this.

O.k. This never happened. But it could have. You never know. Hula hoops are dangerous. 

My point is this, not all therapy is for everybody. The hoop thing was not for me. But it was worth a try. My mom says we have to try until we find the things that work best. But it is o.k. to stop trying something if it definitely does not work. 

Some people call quitting being a quitter. Or you could call quitting something once you know it does not work the wise thing to do.